Present problems

Right now I'm working on figuring out what to get B for Chanukah. I've gotten him so many great gifts and I don't know how to top them. I got him a mini catapult, a remote control helicopter, watch-cufflinks, a Captain America Lego set, a Lego mug, a mustache mug, lots of cool screen-printed t-shirts, and probably other stuff that I can't think of at the moment. I need ideas for "the guy who has everything."

The truth is, we all have everything. If I were shopping for myself I wouldn't know what to get, either. (Though I do have a minor obsession with kitchen tools.)  I've looked through hundreds of gift ideas, and nothing is speaking to me. First World Problems--we have so many things that there's nothing more we could possibly have.

It happens that this week was one of the worst weeks of my life, but I don't really want to post the details on this public forum. However, I want to talk a bit about getting through hard times. Once I came to terms with the fact that life goes on, I was left with no choice but to go on, along with life. It feels impossibly hard, but as I make the actions to live like I used to, I'm coming to function as normal. This fairly wimpy post is an expression of that. Chanukah gifts are no big deal really,but the little things are part of what makes the world keep spinning.  While not directly related to Shana's post, taking the little steps to get over the big hurdles is hard, but certainly worthwhile.

Magical hats

Hats are magical. You've known that ever since you've seen some dude pulling a white rabbit out of one of them. But even if you’re not a magician, there’s a certain wonderfulness to hats.

They can change who you are, protect your ears, or you can turn them upside down and use them to store things. This hat outburst was slightly inspired by a friend sending me this blog post and it made me think about hats again.

I have a large collection of knit hats that come out around winter time. I look forward to winter for many reasons but one of which is that I can wear hats and scarves. True, one can wear hats and scarves during any season but I do not have the type of daring that allows one to walk around in straw hats and floaty scarves. Like the article says, wearing hats can be frightening; the worry that others will think you look ridiculous is stronger than the desire to wear something that you like.

The other sad truth is that I have a big head (I don’t mean just ego wise) and most hats really do look ridiculous on me, perched but not entirely fitting. There really should be plus-sized hat shops for people with abnormally shaped heads or big hair-after all why should we be discriminated against? J

Ok-I just looked it up online-there are plus sized hats. There goes my main excuse-there are even plus sized trucker hats which clearly filled a huge void.

But why is the fear of looking ridiculous or just not looking great, something that holds me back? And it’s not just the hats (ok, you’ll say it’s the scarves too), it’s so many other areas that I’m afraid to experiment for fear of looking stupid.

When I went to Israel, I was so afraid of sounding like an idiot that I never really experimented with the language and if anything, my Ivrit suffered more from it. I’ve recently begun taking uplan and I am amazed by how much of an improvement I’ve made in the language just because I have the courage to speak. I’ve done this with drawing as well. When I was in high school and pre-college I used to draw and then somehow with college and constant computer use, my drawing went to the wayside. Now I’m kinda scared to begin again because I don’t feel like I can draw like I used to. I’m frightened that what I’ll create will be less than perfect and although I know this is so stupid, the thought is still dragging me down.

I’m not totally sure where to get the courage to do these things. Maybe it’s just like the ulpan-you’ve got to just force yourself out there for some of these things. Walk out there wearing a hat that you think is charming and pretend not to care if anyone thinks you look silly. Just draw and disregard the consequences.

After all, getting past your irrational fears to do something you really want to do-that would be pretty magical.

To Renewed Inspiration

Firstly, I would like to thank my friends for their posts—I enjoyed reading them and connecting with two friends whom I don’t see as often as I would like. At the risk of sounding too repetitive, I’ll start by saying “ditto” to all you two have written. I too, want to find some greater purpose and fulfillment than the daily grind of earning money to continue grinding away. Hopefully this blog will take us all one step closer toward that goal.

As for me, I find that it is not only hard to start writing, but also to continue writing for any length of time. I am so often overly critical of my own writing—quick to obsess over real and perceived fault—that I don’t get much written down unless there is a deadline looming overhead. (Case and point: the preceding sentence was changed approximately five times.) I hope this blog will help me “loosen up” in my own writing, help thought flow more fluidly from my head to the page or, in this case, the screen.

I believe that majoring in English has dampened my love for writing and the English language. Whilst completing my undergraduate degree I was required to write a seemingly endless number of essays. Because of this, I was forced to learn the valuable skill of writing even when I was completely uninspired—which was the case increasingly often. The problem now is that I never feel inspired to write. I hope this blog helps me to awaken my love for the English language which lies dormant; I hope it helps bring back the simple joy of writing for writing’s sake.

Even if no one else ever reads our fledgling blog, may it help us enrich our lives and strengthen our friendship.

Until the next post,

~Lez

Fears of Inadequacy

Shana--I think your post beautifully sums up what I, too, hope to gain from this blog.

Too often I'm saddened by what I view as my "directionless" life. I'm not sure what I want to devote my life to at this point. I am depressed by the idea of the average American's cycle of daily life: wake up, go to work, work at (un-fulfilling?) job in order to make money so that you can come home and relax for a few hours before heading to bed to start the cycle over again.

What do I want from my life? I realize there are baby steps involved in getting to the place where I feel completely fulfilled. I am very blessed as my current job is actually fulfilling--I enjoy spending the days with a little 14-month-old and watching her experience the world for the first time, enjoying, marveling, and giggling at things that grownups take no notice of. She'll stop and run her fingers through the dirt, toddle through the grass, and decide that seating is not limited to benches and whatnot, rather the sidewalk, dirt, any floor will do just as well or even better. She is now fearlessly gaining language, starting to turn her babbling into actual words. I take inspiration from her, and I wish to fearlessly conquer the written word.

I've told you how daunting it is for me to start to write. I have been silent because of my fears.  I feel like words are unable to fully express my feelings. Part of what gave me writers block through my Senior Thesis was the fact that I felt like Katharine Brush was so vast, detailed, full of life and humor, too expansive for me to confine to 30 pages and remain true to her legacy. In the end, it gave me such a good feeling to have a purpose, a goal and something to look forward to, even if I felt inadequate. I hope that as part of this blog-writing project I will also be able to continue on my research and analysis of her works, as something I can devote part of my life to and gain fulfillment from.

To me, this blog is an opportunity to get some ideas down and and not think too hard about expressing everything I imagined. It's exciting for me that we will all start out on this journey together. Just writing this little post has been a relief, a step toward freedom. Amen to silence being broken!

Living life by default

Lately what I fear most is living in the default mode. You know that default setting that you use in your software or on your mobile phone-the one that doesn’t take any effort to set up and kinda serves your needs? Yeah, that mode-the one you get by clicking the ‘Next’ button till you’re finished. Maybe you hit the ‘I agree’ button and sign away your life without knowing it. Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter much when it’s just a phone or an app but living that way is kinda depressing. I know that because it’s what I’ve been doing most of my life.

It’s the easy way out-the way of life where you do what you need to do, what you have to do and then fill in the rest of the space with buzz. It’s the unexceptional, predictable, operate-heavy-machinery-with-your-eyes-closed way of doing things.

There are so many things I want to do, things I want to create, people I want to get to know better, causes I’d like to get involved with-there’s a whole list of them but somehow they always get pushed to the back burner. I say “I don’t have the time” or “This isn’t really something I can really concentrate on at this point” and while there is some truth to that, there’re plenty of times when I have an hour here or there that I end up filling up with the junkfood activity of life instead of doing something I really want to do.

Don’t get me wrong-I’m not talking about doing exciting, crazy things. I’ve never been the adventurous type, nor do I have much interest in that sort of thing (too messy) but I want my life to be full of the little wonderful things that can only get there when you make the room to put them there.  Everyone has their own things-I want to begin to write and draw again. Maybe you want to learn to play the cello or learn how to make creampuffs. Who knows?

Years later, I don’t want to be looking back and have regrets for all those moments when I just let the time I had slip away. Have all these unfulfilled dreams that tempt me into buying a red sports car I don’t really need and dying my hair blonde to feel young again. Living by default just leaves with you an empty unsatisfied feeling that you’re wasting your life away.

That’s a little bit of the reason why I’m really looking forward to trying out this blog with my wonderful friends. I really love writing but sometimes it’s hard to find a place where you have something to say and when there’s nothing to say, lately I find that I remain silent.

So here’s to silence being broken, to stepping outside of the default, to making time for writing!